It Breaks Me Heart
We get umpteen opinions of what the right way is to support the club through the Ashley debacle and the obvious answer is that it's exactly that. An opinion of choice.
My choice today would have been to get on that 'party' bus with Rex but circumstance mean't that I didn't have much time spare, although if I had, id have enjoyed the message and the sentiment to what we have lost because we have lost it, it's not coming back either.
It's been a case of the changing of the guard at St James with the majority of the crowd brainwashed into supporting what the game has become. A shell of it's former self.
Words like Gutted, ashamed, apathy, embarrassment, fury, sadness but also proud would describe my day today though.
Gutted that I seem to be one of the only ones that care with many people laughing or seemingly not interested in the cancer that has killed our club. People who are quick to get on their facebook account during the game or play their latest level on candy crush.
Ashamed that we've all allowed this to happen with our many forms of apathy or not putting the pressure on constantly at the first instance of contempt.
Embarrassment at the continued apathy as well as team after team coming to St James' singing about where our famous atmosphere is.
Fury at the instances mentioned above as well the controlled way in which our lifeblood has been taken away from us in the name of a quick quid. The fact that fraudsters are in charge and literally take the piss with their every move and explain complete and utter lies in the press or on TV with us doing absolutely nowt about it.
Sadness that the amount of time and effort put into the club from the likes of me and many thousands of other loyal fans means nowt.
Sadness that we sit in an area of the ground where we'd have had to queue up in days gone by to earn the privilege of watching our heroes from the standing terraces if we managed to get in, so to then see people hooked to a plastic and glass device during a game just beggars belief.
Being proud or feeling pride that ive been there through many era's of expectancy, of glory, of ambition to do something, of watching players give their all for the jersey or to try hard enough that the fans would go home content that their cash has been well spent without regret.
Also proud that I attended today's match with me brother for the first time in over 20 years after his recovery from a very nasty disease in alcoholism.
A person who I attended many great games during the late 70's,80's and early 90's with.
A person who, like me, would queue up for hours for tickets, sometimes in the freezing cold. A person who would look out for me when I got squashed in the crush.
A person who knows what supporting Newcastle United has entailed through thick and thin.
He's a person who's been there, done it, lost the t-shirt and hit rock bottom, but for him to witness in the flesh what an absolute corrupt disgrace we are and what the premier league has created with the help of Sky or big money corporates, it was a major eye opener.
Aside from sharing my many emotions and his outbursts of anger at the apathetic crowd around us, his words on leaving the ground will be engraved in my brain forever.
'It breaks me heart all this' he said as he walked away shaking his head.
We're an utter disgrace and I include me in that.