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How many times do you have a shit per day?
30 March 2011 21:51 Post ID: #129513 - in reply to #129493
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poisoned_monkey - 30/3/2011 21:26

Feck me baby wipes & chilled bog roll?
Do we all need therapy in here?



These lot wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes in the old days at the church school when you were issued with a couple of sheets of Izal to wipe/scrape/shave the ringpiece. Made fucking men of us and helped build an Empire!!
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30 March 2011 22:00 Post ID: #129517 - in reply to #128780
Been caught short loads of times in me younger days. The good old fashioned dock leaf used to be a life saver, never heard that mentioned by David Atenborough...
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30 March 2011 22:07 Post ID: #129522 - in reply to #128780
Head bouncer in the gang of 10
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Aye the dock leaf was great for wiping the arse when you caught short also cured nettle stings (i think)
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30 March 2011 22:10 Post ID: #129523 - in reply to #128780
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Biff, I've had flashbacks about the dreaded Izal. Dark, cold, winter's night, walking down the backyard to the outside toilet with a candle or torch in hand knowing that the dreaded Izal awaited!
I'm sure it was twinned with 'Bronco' lol
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30 March 2011 22:16 Post ID: #129525 - in reply to #129522
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MickMartin - 30/3/2011 22:07

Aye the dock leaf was great for wiping the arse when you caught short also cured nettle stings (i think)


Aye but not together though Mick.
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30 March 2011 22:26 Post ID: #129527 - in reply to #128780
Head bouncer in the gang of 10
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No Plats never tried it together (well not that i recall)
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30 March 2011 22:29 Post ID: #129528 - in reply to #128780
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this thread is quality, absolutely creased :15: .. not had 1 at all today, might have to go and bang one out shortly
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30 March 2011 22:34 Post ID: #129529 - in reply to #128780
Talking about wiping your arse.. its fine when you shoot out the solids but when its coming out your arse like toothpaste, you can go through a full roll..
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30 March 2011 22:51 Post ID: #129535 - in reply to #128780
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What about the ones that are midway between the fine solid steel Barnes Wallace bouncing bomb types and the oxtail soup ones?

Sometimes you just cannot cut those bastards off. Most of the turd has gone, but a little bit has got through Checkpoint Charlie but there's nothing left behind to push it beyond No Man's Land. You push and you push, and just like Tosh Lyon's at the worst run down Hackeny Council Estate, there's just no back up.

Then you gotta make a decision as to whether you go for the bog roll to scoop that bad boy out... 10 roadkill wipes later and you've got just about enough arse left not to look too much like Dale Winton as you walk outta that bog door.
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31 March 2011 00:04 Post ID: #129574 - in reply to #129513
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biffapotamus - 30/3/2011 21:51

poisoned_monkey - 30/3/2011 21:26

Feck me baby wipes & chilled bog roll?
Do we all need therapy in here?



These lot wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes in the old days at the church school when you were issued with a couple of sheets of Izal to wipe/scrape/shave the ringpiece. Made fucking men of us and helped build an Empire!!


FUCKING tracing paper it was!!!!

Edited by bowburnmag 31/3/2011 00:07




(IMG_6366.jpg)



Attachments
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Attachments IMG_6366.jpg (1KB - 100 downloads)
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31 March 2011 00:05 Post ID: #129575 - in reply to #128780
Manager
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Remember the summer of 2003 anyone? Fucking roasting it was. I got badly dehydrated through running and not taking enough fluids in over a week or so. Ended up in hospital passed out on the floor in A&E due to stomach pain, after the X ray I woke up surrounded by a couple of consultants and a surgeon, who had found a mass in my bowel.
They were ready to rock and open me up until they asked me if I had been doing any strenuous exercise in the hot weather. Turned out I had a huge lump of dried out shit in there.
Once they got the dehydration sorted they said they would let me go home after I'd been for a crap and they were satisfied I was ok.
I sat in the bog for over an hour and shifted this monster, dried up, agony causing, chute ripping, dignity stripping, inhuman smelling turd.
I thought that was it but for the following week it was almost as bad every time I went. I actually shed a tear once or twice.
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31 March 2011 00:17 Post ID: #129579 - in reply to #128780
Lord Lucan
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I think I'd rather fist myself and pull the turd out.

Read more: http://www.newcastle.vitalfootball.co.uk/forum/forums/thread-view.a...



this thread has literally had me in tears
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31 March 2011 00:26 Post ID: #129580 - in reply to #128780
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We had that tracing paper stuff in my school!! One sheet for the girls to do a pish and two for a crap. It was fucking horrific!
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31 March 2011 00:34 Post ID: #129581 - in reply to #128780
Lord Lucan
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one of the worst moments of my life involves needing a shit- young lad, trapped on a school trip to berlin or northern france (i forget which) in a coach with no bog, they wouldnt stop the bus, i was in agony for about an hour, i shit you not. stuck in front of all my mates and most of the nice lookin lasses in my school. if i dont shit im gonna die, if i do shit my life is over

easy play would be to say i was shitting myself about shitting myself

turned out to be a good trip in the end though

btw - this thread is absolutely gold
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31 March 2011 00:44 Post ID: #129584 - in reply to #128780
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All that tracing paper stuff ever did was move the shit around. Couldn't get any purchase!
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31 March 2011 00:45 Post ID: #129585 - in reply to #128780
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that tracing paper stuff was horrible, felt like fucking sandpaper!
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31 March 2011 00:48 Post ID: #129587 - in reply to #129584
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Platinii - 31/3/2011 00:44

All that tracing paper stuff ever did was move the shit around. Couldn't get any purchase!


Try having two sheets of it to work with! May as well have tried to magic the shite off with a spell and fucking wand.
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31 March 2011 00:59 Post ID: #129588 - in reply to #128780
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I remember a hazy summer, filled with Izal moments (normally tracing graffiti on the desk).

It's difficult to know now whether over the years I've made more of it, but I genuinely think the legend preceded the incident.

The legend went that if you were to go for a shit in the bogs at school, the older kids would always find out and the bog door would get kicked in and you'd be branded a weirdo for life.

Anyway, 3rd year in Primary School I was absolutely dying and couldn't wait, so I made a mad dash. Full of apprehension, I got myself comfortable in one of the middle traps. And oh what sweet relief, like a little slice of paradise. Then distant voices, approaching, getting ever closer. "SLAM", the bog doors open. Voices, close now. Silence, sinister silence. Then "CRASH", the cubicle door is kicked open, and there are top years kids, laughing and pointing. Humiliated.

I'm over it. Just.
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31 March 2011 03:12 Post ID: #129590 - in reply to #128780
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I've been caught short halfway up a waterfall in the lakes scrambling, ran off ahead and crouched behind a rock to get rid, my mate was supposed to be holding the rest of the party back but didn't and so I had to nip it off mid deposit without wiping meaning I had to finish the scramble / hike smearing crap further and further along my arse crack and shreddies. Needless to say I fuckin stunk and had to keep asking if anyone had stood in dogger to try and throw them off the proverbial scent
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31 March 2011 07:10 Post ID: #129595 - in reply to #128780
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worst for me was when I was serving the army and we were in the forest practicing some manoeuvres, rain pouring like mad and we were forced to take a dump as we had a 12 hour march after that. we had to dig a small trench and take a shite the ground was muddy and sloppy and the rain was mixing our shite with the mud. place smelt like a fucking zoo with flies all about and to make things worse my mate slipped due to the wet mud and fell into the trench. he had rashes all over and we couldn't bathe until we returned to base. i don't normally get hangovers but I do visit the crapper more frequently the morning after- it's usually watery. i've had 3 this morning as a result
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31 March 2011 09:20 Post ID: #129604 - in reply to #128780
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Not as many as pards.....

but when i do its at work why shit in my own time when i can get paid for doing it???

also is it wrong to enjoy it sometimes??? i must stress though its one way traffic only!!!
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31 March 2011 09:35 Post ID: #129607 - in reply to #128780
When wor cat has a shit (in next doors garden or whereva), after he's steamed it out, he turns into an olympic athlete. He gets an energy boost and runs all over the place..

I know how he feels as keeping a crap in for a while must be the equivalent feeling of being pregnant and the relief plus feeling of weight loss is immense. You feel instantly fitter!!
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31 March 2011 10:39 Post ID: #129614 - in reply to #129590
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The Love Slug - 31/3/2011 03:12

I've been caught short halfway up a waterfall in the lakes scrambling, ran off ahead and crouched behind a rock to get rid, my mate was supposed to be holding the rest of the party back but didn't and so I had to nip it off mid deposit without wiping meaning I had to finish the scramble / hike smearing crap further and further along my arse crack and shreddies. Needless to say I fuckin stunk and had to keep asking if anyone had stood in dogger to try and throw them off the proverbial scent


*writes notes for next lash-up*
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31 March 2011 11:41 Post ID: #129634 - in reply to #128780
First Team Regular
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I Have a problem when i eat bacon, or even worse gammon steak.

Tastes lovely and all that, but 10 minutes later, the world ends.

Gan to the pan, and its like im pointing a hosepipe down the pot. Wooooooshh, and then the jobs finished.

It now at the state, i have to take a shite regardless if i have a bacon sarnie before golf.

Remember flying in overnight from america into newcastle, decided to play with the lads at berwick same morning. Combination of airline food and a bacon sarnie had me rushing from the 2nd tee back to the clubhouse absolutely bustin for a shit.

Got their, pants down, settles in, one huge fart later, that smelt like i had died, job sorted.

What gets everybody else loose and ready????
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31 March 2011 11:48 Post ID: #129637 - in reply to #128780
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A cup of tea.
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31 March 2011 12:38 Post ID: #129654 - in reply to #129614
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bowburnmag - 31/3/2011 10:39

The Love Slug - 31/3/2011 03:12

I've been caught short halfway up a waterfall in the lakes scrambling, ran off ahead and crouched behind a rock to get rid, my mate was supposed to be holding the rest of the party back but didn't and so I had to nip it off mid deposit without wiping meaning I had to finish the scramble / hike smearing crap further and further along my arse crack and shreddies. Needless to say I fuckin stunk and had to keep asking if anyone had stood in dogger to try and throw them off the proverbial scent


*writes notes for next lash-up*



god damn it
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31 March 2011 12:41 Post ID: #129656 - in reply to #128780
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This thread is gold, just proves that there is no such thing as a normal bowel habit, might actually write this up as a piece of research although might have to edit the more graphic details
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31 March 2011 13:57 Post ID: #129673 - in reply to #129656
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Bruce68 - 31/3/2011 12:41

This thread is gold, just proves that there is no such thing as a normal bowel habit, might actually write this up as a piece of research although might have to edit the more graphic details


Who said you can't polish a turd?
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31 March 2011 14:07 Post ID: #129678 - in reply to #128780
Lord Lucan
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oh god

here come the shit jokes
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31 March 2011 14:10 Post ID: #129682 - in reply to #128780
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Wahey
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31 March 2011 14:13 Post ID: #129685 - in reply to #128780
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i was going to work in london a few years back when i got caught short stuck in traffic on the m25.atfer sitting there in pain for about 40 minutes with a turtle heed popping out i decided i couldnt wait no more grabbing a pair of socks out my overnight bag up the enbankment i go.
gets to the top just out of site of all the other cars that are stuck with me on the m25 only to be looking down on another road full of traffic.
well there was no holding back now so there i am sat behind a poxy little tree bareing my arse to half of london having what felt like the longest shit ive ever had.
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31 March 2011 14:18 Post ID: #129687 - in reply to #128780
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Is this the place where i mention a friend of Mrs Monkeys who shit himself while shagging a pro up the arse in Amsterdam?
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31 March 2011 14:21 Post ID: #129690 - in reply to #129687
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poisoned_monkey - 31/3/2011 14:18

Is this the place where i mention a friend of Mrs Monkeys who shit himself while shagging a pro up the arse in Amsterdam?


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31 March 2011 14:22 Post ID: #129691 - in reply to #128780
Lord Lucan
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can anyone find the bristol stool scale which had footballers as the names of the turd?

e.g. Solid, Brown, and Hard to pass - the rio ferdinand etc
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31 March 2011 14:23 Post ID: #129692 - in reply to #129691
Lord Lucan
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31 March 2011 14:31 Post ID: #129695 - in reply to #128780
Manager
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Mate of mine was in a pub one day fixing a fruit machine and the staff were telling him about a bloke who was in the night before. The bloke had passed out on the toilet whilst having a shit and didn't quite finish it properly, when they found him and woke him up, he then vomited into his trousers and trunks which were round his ankles. The bouncers lifted him off the pot and discovered bits of shit round his arse, along with the sick in his trollies.
They pulled his trousers up and tied them with string then made him a sort of suit out of massive black bin liners, one over his head with holes for his head and arms and one on the bottom with his legs sticking out of it and taped the whole thing together before sticking him in a taxi with his address on a piece of paper stuck to the front.
They kept his wallet so he would have to come back in for it, strangely he never did.
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31 March 2011 14:34 Post ID: #129698 - in reply to #128780
Lord Lucan
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taxi driver killed him
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31 March 2011 15:13 Post ID: #129726 - in reply to #129695
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steekiebrown - 31/3/2011 14:31

Mate of mine was in a pub one day fixing a fruit machine and the staff were telling him about a bloke who was in the night before. The bloke had passed out on the toilet whilst having a shit and didn't quite finish it properly, when they found him and woke him up, he then vomited into his trousers and trunks which were round his ankles. The bouncers lifted him off the pot and discovered bits of shit round his arse, along with the sick in his trollies.
They pulled his trousers up and tied them with string then made him a sort of suit out of massive black bin liners, one over his head with holes for his head and arms and one on the bottom with his legs sticking out of it and taped the whole thing together before sticking him in a taxi with his address on a piece of paper stuck to the front.
They kept his wallet so he would have to come back in for it, strangely he never did.


If i got into that sort of a clip, i would not go back for my wallet either.

On me very first lads holiday to spain, when i was 17, spent the first night on the "shorts". We had all heard that having ice in your drinks was a bad idea, as you got less of the short.

Six of these huge tumblers later im like the typical englishman abroad, burnt to fuck after 1 day of sun, and unable to walk as im absolutely smashed.

The two other lads im with got me back to the hotel, woke up in the morning to a bad smell, and a full set of undercrackers.

Only time ive ever shit meslef!!!!!
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31 March 2011 15:15 Post ID: #129730 - in reply to #128780
Thinking of shite tho...... those that work in care homes, i take my hat off to you...

I wouldn't fancy wiping any strangers arse for all the money in the world.. :82:
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31 March 2011 15:20 Post ID: #129738 - in reply to #129730
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Toon_NoMatterWot - 31/3/2011 15:15

Thinking of shite tho...... those that work in care homes, i take my hat off to you...

I wouldn't fancy wiping any strangers arse for all the money in the world.. :82:


Wot about Kelly Brook??????
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