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How many times do you have a shit per day?
29 March 2011 19:19 Post ID: #128940 - in reply to #128928
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bowburnmag - 29/3/2011 18:58

Or shave your arse.

Stops the sweats as well.

Apparently.


I've no plans to go down Canal street in cheekless leather chaps in the near future, so I'll give that a miss.

Anyway, who the fuck shaves their arse? and how the hell would you do that? I think I'd rather fist myself and pull the turd out.
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29 March 2011 19:21 Post ID: #128942 - in reply to #128926
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steekiebrown - 29/3/2011 18:57

Wet wipes mate or baby wipes, we always keep a few packets in the throne room. Cleanliness is next to godliness.


I've got some alpine scented Car-Plan dashboard wipes. I might start with them though they may be a bit dried up these days.
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29 March 2011 19:22 Post ID: #128943 - in reply to #128780
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I'll ask my Uncle, he's a hairdresser.
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29 March 2011 19:47 Post ID: #128951 - in reply to #128780
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I use a couple of small portions for the initial removal stage, then a couple of wet wipes for that lemon fresh cleft feel, followed by a final dry wipe to check there's no hangers on...having a hairy balloon knot can cause issues when the wife's doing the washing, if a good cleaning regime isn't followed with rigour.
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29 March 2011 19:48 Post ID: #128952 - in reply to #128780
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Nick has the knack, by the sounds of it.
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29 March 2011 19:57 Post ID: #128954 - in reply to #128780
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It really is a critical process...the weight and number of dry wipes required is dictated by the texture of the stools and the hairyness of the arsehole, if you get this wrong on the initial cleaning stage, you may find that you just smear the shit around rather than remove it.....shitting and cleaning is literally a minefield.
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29 March 2011 20:34 Post ID: #128973 - in reply to #128780
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As a lad who can fart for england, i never really use public lavs unless it is really necessary.

Was in Universal Studios Florida last year, and after a dodgy meal the night before, and a few cokes, had to go to the crapper.

Proceeded to fart the blue bells of scotland, a young kid outside the traps commented "is that real, or is he doing it on his hand(farting not wanking)", dad replied, i think he has a problem son, to which i replied with another roaring fart!!!!

Two days later after a day on the beach at clearwater, and on the way back to orlando with our nephews, stopped at one of these applebys diners. Ordered meal, and was told free refills on cokes.

4 pints of coke later im standing in the shop, takes nephew to one side, into a corner and drops a right belter, honestly lasted 10 seconds and was a loud as fuck, only problem was half way through a 70 year old shop assistant appears, i clipped the nephew, called him a dirty sod, only for the old dear to say "but that was you sir", wish the ground would have swallowed me up.

Always seem to fart with more gusto in the USA, must be all the pop i drink!!!!
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29 March 2011 20:36 Post ID: #128976 - in reply to #128780
Usually 1, right after my dinner, although i had one in work today too, so sometimes 2.

7 or 8 fucking shits man?? I would call that permanent diarrhoea (sp), i'd be wanting incapacity benefit for that. I mean, how could one work with such a dose of the shits?
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29 March 2011 20:48 Post ID: #128992 - in reply to #128973
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daftladguy - 29/3/2011 20:34

As a lad who can fart for england, i never really use public lavs unless it is really necessary.

Was in Universal Studios Florida last year, and after a dodgy meal the night before, and a few cokes, had to go to the crapper.

Proceeded to fart the blue bells of scotland, a young kid outside the traps commented "is that real, or is he doing it on his hand(farting not wanking)", dad replied, i think he has a problem son, to which i replied with another roaring fart!!!!

Two days later after a day on the beach at clearwater, and on the way back to orlando with our nephews, stopped at one of these applebys diners. Ordered meal, and was told free refills on cokes.
4 pints of coke later im standing in the shop, takes nephew to one side, into a corner and drops a right belter, honestly lasted 10 seconds and was a loud as fuck, only problem was half way through a 70 year old shop assistant appears, i clipped the nephew, called him a dirty sod, only for the old dear to say "but that was you sir", wish the ground would have swallowed me up.

Always seem to fart with more gusto in the USA, must be all the pop i drink!!!!


Quality!
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29 March 2011 20:50 Post ID: #128993 - in reply to #128916
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OldLeazes - 29/3/2011 18:43

I've had a count up on the number I've had snce midnight last night.

One at work around 00.15am

Another one at work around 2am

One before I left work at 6am

One when I got up outta bed around 2pm.

Just been for another one now.

I'm on five already and I've not had my dinner yet.

It's looking like a seven, or even an eight is on the cards.





I think you have stomach cancer

http://www.cancerhelp.org.uk/coping-with-cancer/coping-physically/b...
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29 March 2011 21:40 Post ID: #129023 - in reply to #128780
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One a day, normally as soon as I have my first cuppa I get the urge. Having said that I've had 3 on the morning of a derby match but 7 or 8 ? But I suppose if I'd had a substantial wager on Newcastle to be relegated then my arse might be going, lol


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29 March 2011 21:47 Post ID: #129024 - in reply to #128780
I've took days off for having the shits with less than 7
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29 March 2011 21:48 Post ID: #129026 - in reply to #128780
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This thread is truly comedy gold.
Got me a'chortling.
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29 March 2011 22:59 Post ID: #129064 - in reply to #128780
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"fist myself and pull the turd out" has been my favorite so far,lol...

Once a day, sometimes twice.
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29 March 2011 23:25 Post ID: #129070 - in reply to #128780
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This is absolutely quality, the funniest thread I've read on here, easily.
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29 March 2011 23:29 Post ID: #129071 - in reply to #128780
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Usually just one shit a day.

When i was younger though, i was locked oot one night.. and started to get bad shit pains.

I nipped into the back garden and had a dump.. had to wipe me arse on leaves and stuff. then ah had to hide anarl, when ah seen some bloke walking his dog on the back field. Felt sorry for him, cause the whole place was fuckin stinking.
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29 March 2011 23:45 Post ID: #129077 - in reply to #128830
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NickNackPaddyWack - 29/3/2011 16:16

I normally go 3 or 4 times a day.....I've had a shit by the side of the Crawcrook/Greenside bypass once, when I almost got caught short.


What do you mean "almost"? Do you normally have a dump there?
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29 March 2011 23:49 Post ID: #129079 - in reply to #128780
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My mate likes to tell the tale of a pretty young lady from a circle of friends he'd met while running a restaurant. She lived in a huge house somewhere in Northumberland, in its own grounds. Anyway they used to party pretty hard and there'd always be a big group of them.

One night they get mullered, and the lass goes missing for a while. But because the place is huge and theres a canny crowd, she's not missed for a bit. They go looking for her in a bit of a panic when there realise. They find an en-suite bathroom door locked and can't get an answer so kick the door in, fearing the worst. There she is, slumped over the bog unconscious from dryink, spew in most places, and the neatest little stool you've ever seen, poking out from her G string.
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30 March 2011 06:49 Post ID: #129116 - in reply to #128780
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Like clockwork, one down...
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30 March 2011 09:51 Post ID: #129153 - in reply to #128780
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Continuing the thread....

On the way up to edinburgh on the train a few weeks back there'd been a cock up with our seats so we had to stand in the corridor till the guard arrived to sort it out.
Happened to be stood outside the toilets,from which was eminating the foulest,most disguting rotten smell of shite we've ever encountered.You could literally see it hanging in the air.
We all stood in anticipation of a big bruising bloke coming out the toilet.
The door popped open and out comes possibly the most gorgeous little french eva mendes lookalike i've ever seen.
The look on her face was an absolute picture when she cottoned on to what we we rolling around laughing at.
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30 March 2011 11:16 Post ID: #129175 - in reply to #129153
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poisoned_monkey - 30/3/2011 09:51

Continuing the thread....

On the way up to edinburgh on the train a few weeks back there'd been a cock up with our seats so we had to stand in the corridor till the guard arrived to sort it out.
Happened to be stood outside the toilets,from which was eminating the foulest,most disguting rotten smell of shite we've ever encountered.You could literally see it hanging in the air.
We all stood in anticipation of a big bruising bloke coming out the toilet.
The door popped open and out comes possibly the most gorgeous little french eva mendes lookalike i've ever seen.
The look on her face was an absolute picture when she cottoned on to what we we rolling around laughing at.


Mental note for the day "pretty birds poo can reek as well"
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30 March 2011 12:02 Post ID: #129187 - in reply to #129175
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Since I've been in Germany, my 'routine' has at least trebbled - and much more on some days.
In fact in my first week over here, getting caught short walking back from a resteraunt cost me a nice shirt and nearly ruined some Boss jeans (missed by about a nano-second by yanking them down in time).
Been close to similar events, on more than one occassion since.
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30 March 2011 12:52 Post ID: #129209 - in reply to #128780
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im a once a day man, and i usually make a point of going at work. The old 'getting paid to shit' chestnut. The wife is a complete opposite, usually once every week at the most unless she's done nights and then she gets the shits (who knows) even then though after a week its only a little plop, which surprises me as on my time working iun the USA i didnt go for nearly a fortnight as the bogs were only sutrrounded by half size saloon doors and i was embarrassed. Needless to say the resulting product was a dead otter that reeked as bad as youd expect! Things may change though as shes signed herself up to get colonic irrigation tomorrow night, which should be a laugh (for me)

Worst experience i had was coming back from a mates house with my then girlfriend, now fiancee, and being absolutely busting for a turd. Honestly youve never seen a 306 travel so fast. Well she lived 5 miles or so from me when i was back at mams, and there was no way i was making it home, so too embarrassed to go into her pad and stink the place out, i kicked her out and sped off. I only made it to the end of the road though, so I dived out and into the primary school yard that i was parked next to and proceeded to fire out a flock of sparrows like youve never seen, using the swing as a makeshift crapper seat (didnt want to crouch and fill my jeans.)
To cap it off I had to fish through the litter bin for papers to scrub my bot with too, so the sight the poor kids came into on the monday morning would have consisted of a shitty swing area and a bin full of stinking turd covered sweet wrappers. Awful.
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30 March 2011 12:57 Post ID: #129211 - in reply to #128780
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Fecking Animals the lot of you
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30 March 2011 15:38 Post ID: #129304 - in reply to #128780
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I've got a mate who has the most disgusting toilet habits. He literally gets 30 second warnings on occasions and has to go. I thank the lord I'm pretty much alright like that, and can keep it for a while if need be, but the turtles heed starts banging on the keps of his arse, and he's off.

When I first got to know him, there were a few of us out one Saturday night, and he gave me his can to hold as he went off to the bog. I was wondering what was happening as I'd been holding his can for about a minute, when normally if he goes for a piss, he gives you the can, you turn back to your mate and carry on your conversation for about 10 seconds, and he's back. His whole piss process must take under a second. When he came back a bit later, I didn't ask, but later on I noticed when he was sat at a barstool and I noticed he had no socks on. I thought that's a bit Miami Vice like, so went and asked him. He casually told me he'd been for a dump before, noticed there wasn't any bog roll, so used his socks to wipe his arse and shoved them in the cistern. I was absolutely agog.

That was just junior stuff though. He told us one time he got caught short, he had to nip into a hotel, and headed straight for the nearest pan. His diet was never the best anyways, but he knew this one wasn't gonna be solid. He did the business, which took all of 5 seconds, and when he turned round to look, he suddenly realised he hadn't lifted the lid, which was covered with this manky lentil soup concoction. He gently lifted the lid, so that it slid down the back and either side of the pipe under the cistern, then wiped his arse with his socks and shoved it down the cistern. I was left almost speechless at this one.

I couldn't work out the lid thing though. How could you not know it was down? For all that he has to use pretty much any toilet available to him, he's still a bit peculiar about it, and told us that he has to hover over the pan if it's not one of his recognised toilets e.g. home/work. What, you don't actually sit down? No, no, I just hover.

Fooking animal.
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30 March 2011 16:11 Post ID: #129314 - in reply to #128780
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In Trap 1, trying not to snigger too loudly at the last story.
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30 March 2011 18:18 Post ID: #129362 - in reply to #128780
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Finished with a six yesterday.

Going for my second of the day in a few moments, I can feel it starting to ache just right.

My favourite shite is of a saturday morning, empty house, dog walked, paper in hand, and half a joint hanging out of my face. I think if heaven does exist it will consist of my throne room with said items in permanent situ. In an ideal world I'd have a special toilet for my saturday morning shite.

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30 March 2011 18:48 Post ID: #129369 - in reply to #128780
No matter how bad your shite smells, its like perfume to the owner..

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30 March 2011 18:57 Post ID: #129373 - in reply to #128780
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I shite once a day every day usually in the morning but that can vary if i have been on the beer then it's a good old dump first thing. I can't imagine shitting 7 times a day, i am guilty of overusing the bog roll as well and of late have been using those wet wipes to stop me getting ring sting, nothing worse than being out on a horse and having an itchy ring, the wipes also stop the occurence of winnits, you know those pieces of shite that get stuck to the hairs on your arse and they winnit come off.
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30 March 2011 19:04 Post ID: #129375 - in reply to #129362
OldLeazes - 30/3/2011 18:18

My favourite shite is of a saturday morning, empty house, dog walked, paper in hand, and half a joint hanging out of my face. I think if heaven does exist it will consist of my throne room with said items in permanent situ. In an ideal world I'd have a special toilet for my saturday morning shite.



That had me crying with laughter
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30 March 2011 19:08 Post ID: #129377 - in reply to #128780
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I'd like to think this thread can run and run.
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30 March 2011 20:16 Post ID: #129413 - in reply to #128780
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Only two today so far, and my dinner is long gone. I had dumplings, casserole, and a bit of cabbage. I should be ok for at least one more, but even that only puts me on three for the day. A bit of a disppointment, but tomorrow is another day.

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30 March 2011 20:23 Post ID: #129418 - in reply to #128780
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Fuck me...and I thought you were all Anal retentives....
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30 March 2011 21:21 Post ID: #129481 - in reply to #128780
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2 to 3 times a day. Once when I get up and usually about 10pm Sometimes have to deposit a few lbs at work, which never pleases me. Own toilet is the best. Moist toilet tissue is the best to get the dangle berries and tag nuts off. Always a good idea to chill the moist toilet tissue if you have had a curry.
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30 March 2011 21:26 Post ID: #129493 - in reply to #128780
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Feck me baby wipes & chilled bog roll?
Do we all need therapy in here?
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30 March 2011 21:29 Post ID: #129495 - in reply to #128780
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fucking hell OL your arse must look like a blood orange.
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30 March 2011 21:32 Post ID: #129499 - in reply to #128780
Was gonna have madras for me bait tonight but decided against it. 2nd choice was sausage and mash but again i said no to wor lass.

Pizza it is, i think... cant really picture shite when im eating that.
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30 March 2011 21:32 Post ID: #129500 - in reply to #129413
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OldLeazes - 30/3/2011 20:16

Only two today so far, and my dinner is long gone. I had dumplings, casserole, and a bit of cabbage. I should be ok for at least one more, but even that only puts me on three for the day. A bit of a disppointment, but tomorrow is another day.


Don't be disappointed, you're nearly normal (whatever that is).
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30 March 2011 21:36 Post ID: #129504 - in reply to #129499
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Toon_NoMatterWot - 30/3/2011 21:32

Was gonna have madras for me bait tonight but decided against it. 2nd choice was sausage and mash but again i said no to wor lass.

Pizza it is, i think... cant really picture shite when im eating that.


just had pizza, cheeey coleslaw and garlic bagette very nice it was too.
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30 March 2011 21:38 Post ID: #129507 - in reply to #129504
claud_ballz - 30/3/2011 21:36

just had pizza, cheeey coleslaw and garlic bagette very nice it was too.

Gonna be spicy chicken goodfellas deep pan (with the peppers hand picked off), and fries. although i fancy baguette noo aftr you mentioning it..
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