Vital Football

Latest Newcastle United News

An Expired Pizza to Enter Jordan

An Expired Pizza to Enter Jordan

There is nothing more annoying than a parent who talks endlessly about how 'clever` or 'sporty` their child is, before whipping out a picture of some spotty two foot hooligan tucking in to the contents of his nostril.

My Goliath though, is genuinely bright for his age. The wee lad can speak about 10 words now; that`s three more than Paul Merson.

The little fellow will definitely be a footballer when he grows up. The last time we had a kick around in the garden he nutmegged me twice; nobody`s regretted opening their legs on two separate occasions since Mrs Neville. You won`t regret a bet on Manchester United at 3/10 to waltz past Watford in a one-sided FA Cup semi.

If the media are to be believed, and you`ll never find a more honest bunch of lads, Jose Mourinho is considering managing England when his tenure expires at Stamford Bridge.

This would be the greatest result for the average Englishman since Gareth Gates wore down Jordan with a pizza and some of the longest chat-up lines in history.

Chelsea have already beaten Blackburn on three occasions this season, a fourth win at 4/7 will set up the most eagerly awaited showdown since Peter Andre narrowly defeated Gareth Gates in a bare-knuckled 15 round extravaganza.

A few people are beginning to question Arsene Wenger, but Aristotle was once mocked when he suggested the Earth was round. Rumours of Arsenal`s demise have been leaked prematurely, they can return to winning ways against Bolton at a huge 8/11.

Liverpool are finishing the season with aplomb; Bellamy I think his name is. The Pool have won their last three against Manchester City by a single goal; another Liverpool victory is advised at 10/11.

Charlton`s recovery in recent weeks has been nothing short of sensational. The Addicks are on a real high, they can snatch an invaluable point from Goodison Park at 5/2.

Aston Villa return to the Riverside for the first time since a 4-0 cakewalk led to a visionary Middlesbrough fan hurling his season ticket at Steve McClaren. A punt on the Villa at 12/5 will lead to a healthy prophet.

It`s the Blades versus the Hammers at Bramall Lane; that`s more tools than you`d find in a Peter Andre fan club. It`s a must-win game for both teams; I`m siding with the rejuvenated West Ham at 2/1.

When I suggested that Wigan were a good bet for relegation in my pre-season write-up, I received more stick than a Manchester United fan in Rome. Another Tottenham win at 7/5 will place the cat well and truly amongst the pigeons.

I`m not too sure about Fulham`s decision to sack Chris Coleman a mere three days before a massive match away to Reading. I guess Mohammed Al Fayed wants to guarantee at least one decent result against the Royals. The arrival of Lawrie 'Dirty` Sanchez can inspire the Cottagers to a hard-fought point at 12/5.

David James is the Pauline Fowler of the football world; you wouldn`t want to get involved in a conversation with him, but he`s the man to see if you need a clean sheet. The fashion icon needs one more shutout to break the all-time Premiership record; a home fixture against Newcastle can land a Portsmouth win at 11/10 and a new record for Calamity at 6/4.

Arsenal, Portsmouth, Man Utd, Tottenham and Chelsea form a 16/1 weekend accer that is so candid, Peter Andre has decided to share his life story via the medium of a new single. 'What was I thinking` is released in all good record shops on Monday morning.

Weekend Betting:

Arsenal v Bolton

Saturday 14th April 15:00

Arsenal 8/11
Draw 13/5
Bolton 9/2

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Arsenal to score three or more goals 9/4

Man City v Liverpool
Saturday 14th April 15:00

Man City 7/2
Draw 5/2
Liverpool 10/11

Get on: Liverpool

Match Special:
Gerrard to score at any time 11/4

Middlesbrough v Aston Villa
Saturday 14th April 15:00

Middlesbrough 11/10
Draw 23/10
Aston Villa 12/5

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special:
Agbonlahor to score two or more goals 9/1

Portsmouth v Newcastle
Saturday 14th April 15:00

Portsmouth 11/10
Draw 23/10
Newcastle 13/5

Get on: Portsmouth

Match Special:
Portsmouth to win and keep a clean sheet 12/5

Reading v Fulham
Saturday 14th April 15:00

Reading 10/11
Draw 12/5
Fulham 10/3

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Lita to score in a 1-1 draw 12/1

Sheff Utd v West Ham
Saturday 14th April 15:00

Sheff Utd 6/4
Draw 23/10
West Ham 2/1

Get on: West Ham

Match Special:
Tevez to score the only goal of the game 40/1

Watford v Man Utd
FA Cup semi final
Saturday 14th April 17:30
Live on BBC One

Watford 12/1
Draw 9/2
Man Utd 3/10

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Rooney and Ronaldo both to score 9/2

Wigan v Tottenham
Sunday 15th April 13:30
Live on Sky

Wigan 2/1
Draw 23/10
Tottenham 7/5

Get on: Tottenham

Match Special:
Tottenham to keep a clean sheet 13/8

Everton v Charlton
Sunday 15th April 15:00

Everton 3/4
Draw 5/2
Charlton 4/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
No goalscorer in the match 10/1

Blackburn v Chelsea
FA Cup semi final
Sunday 15th April 16:00
Live on Sky

Blackburn 6/1
Draw 14/5
Chelsea 4/7

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:
Ballack to score with a header 6/1

By Gerry McDonnell


Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

Writer:Site Staff
Date:Thursday April 12 2007
Time: 10:04AM

Best of Vital Network

Comments

0
These puns get worse every week!
Roy4Triggs
13/04/2007 10:51:00
0
Gerry makes Chubby Brown seem funny.
SirLes
13/04/2007 11:52:00
Page 1/1
  1. 1

Login to post a comment

Recent Newcastle United Articles

Newcastle Confirm Dutch Game

Newcastle United finally confirmed today that we will play Dutch side Vitesse Arnhem at home.

Thank Fulham It's Friday.

Newcastle United found out that a trip to London is where we'll start

Media Continue To Try To Sell NUFC Players

I could pick out three or four names but because it's the most common story of the day, i'll choose Andros Townsend.

League Cup Draw Wednesday 1pm

Four hours after the Football League fixture list is revealed, the League Cup first round...

Archived TOTT Articles

TOTT articles from

Site Journalists

Ken Waugh
no email
Profile
TNMW
Editor email
Profile
Ian Smith
no email
Profile
Rexn
no email
Profile
BowburnMag
no email
Profile

Current Poll (see more polls)

Spurs MotM
Suggested By: Site Staff
Darlow11%
Janmaat0%
Taylor0%
Mbemba1%
Dummett0%
Tiote0%
Colback1%
Wijnaldum5%
Sissoko31%
Townsend46%
Mitrovic2%
Sub - Shelvey0%
Sub - Aarons1%
Sub - Sterry2%
ScoopDragon Publishing Entire League Network of Sites

League Table

# Team P W D L Pts. GD
C Burnley 46 26 15 5 93 37
P Middlesbrough 46 26 11 9 89 32
3 Brighton 46 24 17 5 89 30
4 Hull City 46 24 11 11 83 34
5 Derby County 46 21 15 10 78 23
6 Sheff Wed 46 19 17 10 74 21
7 Ipswich 46 18 15 13 69 2
8 Cardiff 46 17 17 12 68 5
9 Brentford 46 19 8 19 65 5
10 Birmingham 46 16 15 15 63 4
11 Preston 46 15 17 14 62 0
12 Q.P.R. 46 14 18 14 60 0
13 Leeds Utd 46 14 17 15 59 -8
14 Wolves 46 14 16 16 58 -5
15 Blackburn 46 13 16 17 55 0
16 Forest 46 13 16 17 55 -4
17 Reading 46 13 13 20 52 -7
18 Bristol City 46 13 13 20 52 -17
19 Huddersfield 46 13 12 21 51 -11
20 Fulham 46 12 15 19 51 -13
21 Rotherham 46 13 10 23 49 -18
R Charlton 46 9 13 24 40 -40
R MK Dons 46 9 12 25 39 -30
R Bolton 46 5 15 26 30 -40
Latest F1 News
Latest Vital Boxing News

Recent Newcastle United Results (view all)

Newcastle United Fixtures (view all)

Vital Members League Table

RankNamePoints
1.officemonkey251
2.Toon_NoMatterWot196
3.billybobcat100
4.PieMag64
5.BLACKBOB56
6.OldLeazes47
7.Finn_the_Dog38
8.vin189236
9.keggy_keagal35
10.Mcnamee6728