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Transfer Policy Documents Leaked

2011 will see an extension of the previous 6 transfer windows strategies. Namely, profit.

This summer will require extraordinary powers of bluff and bluster to ensure we can manage to September with the Andy Carroll money still completely intact.


(a) The first approach will be a batch of early summer signings to give the illusion we are actively in the market. This will ensure we coax those few thousand season ticket holders who were doubters to give us a load of their hard earned.

(b) Two of the early signings will be free's, whilst the one signing of any substance will immediately be offset by selling a high wage earner for a similar fee. Result.

(c) Distraction and spin is a must if we are to achieve this mission. Firstly we need to have a bigger U turn than an oil tanker, and spread the word that Agents fees and signing on fees are MASSIVE, even though we swore blind we wouldn't pay over the odds some months back.


(d) In early July we will have made all our purchases, but we will be selling players on a fortnightly basis. I believe Del has the excuse list database to hand for this task. Start off with the classics and work down the list;

'We felt it was the right opportunity for the boy to move on'

He didn't want to sign a new contract'

We couldn't agree terms that were amicable for the club'

We couldn't guarantee first team football'

Alan thinks we are moving in a different direction from what he can offer'

We already have enough cover in this position'

'We will have a replacement to come in'

(e) Searches for strikers and midfielders must fall under one or more of the following categories;

(i) The player must NOT want to come here.

(ii) The players fee must be unaffordable

(iii) The player must be flakey and have an unreliable injury record.

(iv) The players agent must difficult to deal with and enjoy extremely protracted contract discussions that end in no deal.

It is of major importance that only players who WILL NOT be signed are targeted.

(f) Mid July through to mid August will be tougher, as we'll need to blag the entire period off.

Start with Operation 'Stepping up approach for a striker'.

Followed by Operation 'Pretend to keep the Bull' then

Operation 'Perch is a great all-rounder'

*Sell Routledge at this point*

Operation 'We wish him all the Bestie'

Keep in constant drip-feed contact with the jelly for a spine local media. We know they are so desperate for a story they'll be prepared to feed off our scraps rather than question anything we say or do. This should see us through to the start of the season when the distraction of a full stadium and early season expectations should be enough to keep the problem people quiet.

PHASE 3 - The season starts

A run of stories in the week prior;

'We are collectively together'

We can't wait to get started'

The lahhds are raring to go'

We're aiming high'

*Arsenal game'

'We was anlucky'

They is a top top team'

*Need a picture of Pards holding his hands up*

Keep the momentum going into the last two weeks with conenctions to;

N'Zogbia for £7million (Fee and agents fees to high)

oodgate (Even if he's already gone somewhere)

hris Kiwomya for £1.5million (Failed medical)

messi for £168million (Doesn't want to come)

Ronaldinho for £7.2mill (Deal collapses last minute)

hat should be enough to see us through to Sept 1st.

Bish bosh bash job's a good 'un. £35mill from January + £10mill from Summer... Lahvly.

Roll on January.


Read more:

Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: Platinii Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Tuesday July 12 2011

Time: 10:32AM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
Not bad Plats, the quotes and spin above are strangely familiar sounding
Report Abuse
13/07/2011 05:58:00

Top banter. As a Villa fan I feel your pain!
Report Abuse
14/07/2011 16:45:00


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