Proposed Handicapping System - vs Man Utd
Because Man Utd have scored 11 goals in their last 2 games against NUFC, Premier League chiefs have decided that the following changes must be adhered to for the live game on Sunday...
1. Ferguson to limit his pre-match intake to only a single bottle of red. He only manages well when he's drunk (like Bill Werbenuick, Alex Higgins etc)
2. The Old Trafford crowd are to be limited to locals only - so the place will be deserted.
3. Michael Carrick must play for his home town club. And he must try his best.
4. Rio Ferdinand to have coke and hookers before the game.
5. Van der Saar must play the entire game within the 6 yard box. If the ball comes his way he is allowed to watch it go over the bar and then retrieve it for the Man Utd goalkick etc.
6. Ronaldo to make a special half time appearance in his new Real Madrid shirt, just to wind up the referee, who can't be from London.
7. Newcastle are allowed to play with 12 players, as we have nowhere to fit Alan Smith but he is good to have on the park to kick people and fetch the ball.
8. Also, we can't decide on Shay or Steve Harper, so have decided to play them both - with the new extra large gloves.
9. Man UTD Players not allowed to touch the ball for the first 10 minutes.
10. We get kick off and it's first goal winner.
With all of the above, we might stand a chance on Sunday.
Here's to a hopeful season!!